Survive today – every day

Hello to You all,

It is through vulnerability that the power of living expresses itself

Yesterday in court, I experienced that. I stood up 3,5 hours in the box.

The cross-examination lasted more than 1.5 hour. At one time, I DID remember those words from Mike

"BREATHE"

As I was unable to do so, my frustration came close to be anger. After 2,5 hours, the judge gave a 2 hours recess (lunch time). But when I came back, How grounded I was.

I no longer felt the adversity of the cross-examination. I was standing CALM and DETERMINATE. There is NO WAY I will give up.

My attitude even destabilized the defense attorney, as I, at many occasion, had to renew, repeat, clarify, saying, :" NO, It is not this way it happened"

This morning, my breath is flowing, my voice is deeper, as I fell PUT UP

And here you are, as part of this support.

I felt it yesterday ; "WE GOT YOUR BACK"

Thank you

Thank You to You, how's reading those words

Never stop seeking, reaching, exploring, believing

Never stop BREATHING as breathing will make you feel.

I felt alive despite the adversity, as I was revealing my life, my TRUTH.

As I stood up NO LONGER as an hurt and humiliated child.

Keep THRIVING my friend

With all my heart

Stéphane,

The Knight Rider from the North

Climbing Kilimanjaro for Male Survivors by Rees Mann, a male survivor who is making history in South Africa: 

This entry is by the man in Victoria, Australia who suggested that we add this feature to the site.
 

1. Survive today – every day
 

2. Make and keep a commitment to myself that I will ensure that I make at least one step on MY journey of healing every day
 

3. Do battle with self imposed isolation every time I feel it by contacting at least one fellow survivor who knows just how I’m feeling
 

4. Disclose – for me there is no closure without disclosure.  The more people I tell, the more bridges are built out of isolation (mine and others) we become a network – a safety-net-work
 

5. Refuse to allow the myths any power in my life – it was not my fault
 

6. Refute the lies – yesterday’s victims are not tomorrow’s perpetrators
 

7.  No excuses – no self pity – no “why me?” – look for the splashes of joy in the cesspool of life
 

8. There’s no crime in being a victim but staying a victim IS a crime
 

9. It’s OK to say:  “help”; “hello”; “no”; “I love you”;
 

10. After all is said and done, there’s a lot more said, than done.  On my death bed I want to sing with Frank Sinatra “I did it my way” with the emphasis on the “I did it” not the “my way”.

Hi all my wonderful brothers,

Sometimes when we are walking through our daily life, for many of us a lot of the time, we feel as if we are dragging around a massive black boulder of guilt and doubt.

And do you know what it is?

It's the Trickster Troll! He is very cheeky and loves indulging himself in watching the struggles of others, especially bright light spirits who are full of the life that he covets so dearly.

So that big black boulder of negativity that you and I and so many of us carry around with us is not ours to carry. Years ago the Trickster Troll came up to you when you were sleeping and he gently slipped a rope into your hand , then gently closed your fingers around it. This rope he attached to the biggest darkest boulder that he could find and then then ran off to hide behind a tree, waiting to see you wake up and watch what you would do.

So then when you woke up and found this rope in our hands you naturally thought that it was yours, and so stood up and began to walk along your path, dragging behind you this large, heavy and dark boulder behind. All the while not noticing the Trickster Troll sniggering and giggling behind the tree at your struggles.

As time went on you kept dragging this boulder simply assuming that it was always yours to bear. Never questioning why you had it and when other people saw you carrying it they agreed that you had to struggle as the Trickster Troll had slipped a rope in their hands as well when they slept.
I discovered that I had tied the rope around my waist so that I would never let it go no matter how hard I ran or what I went through.

You didn't ask for this boulder, you don't deserve it and never was it your's to bear. Just a Trickster Troll who thought it was funny to see you struggle.

If you're like me then untie the rope and let the boulder roll away, or simply just let go of the rope and watch the big dark boulder be left behind you and laugh back at the Trickster Troll that is always still hiding behind the tree :)

Lots of love to you all,

Miles

Ten year old boy lives in nice suburb
Loving Mum and Dad
New family doctor arrives
Big man, posh voice, out of Africa
Can't be bad
Doctor likes children
Tells Mum and Dad he hasn't got a boy of his own
Loves little boys

Mum and Dad like Doctor
Doctor likes Mum and Dad
Visit each other
Doctor really likes little boy
So much he touches him all over, all over, all over

Tells boy don't tell anyone
Get into trouble
Thing men and boys do
Doctor went to boarding school
Tells boy about those kinky times

Doctors surgery sick boy
Up on the table
Take clothes off
Same thing every time
Examination masturbation

Can't understand - can't tell
Can't talk - bloody hell
All confusion
Abuse continues
Boy grows up

Confused - can't talk
More abuse
Parents and Doctor good friends now
Doctor knows everything
He's the family doctor

Boy abused
Sister abused
Patients abused
Nephews abused
Niece abused
Any more?
What a bastard

Boy amazed - thought he was all alone
But he was one of many
If only he had known

Boy man now
Still confused
Big cloud
Has guilt
Can't talk
Doesn't know how

Relationships confused
Can't relate
Friends - can't talk
Love - what's that?
Marriage - sounds good
Wife not told

Secret stays
Beautiful children born
Marriage unhappy
No one knows

Starts to think
Bloody hard
Can't stay here
Secret like a sore
Gets worse
Bursts out
Marriage ends

Seeks help
Tells secret
Feels better
Councillor knows
Girlfriend knows
Parents know
Police know

Doctor charged
More people tell
Doctors life now hell
Personal satisfaction

Damage never goes
Healing gains
Whole world knows
Emotion flows
Helps the pain

Tell - never thought he could
People understand
Never thought they would
Loyal family
True friends
Loving girlfriend

Children must be told
Can't happen again
Their body is their own
Don't trust everyone
Even in the home
Talk to parents
Don't keep secrets
Be open
Come in from the cold

Written by Philip Michael Drayson
September 1997

I was once asked if healing was possible from being sexually abused as a young boy, I replied:

When you can scream "IT WASN'T MY FAULT", "I FEEL NO SHAME", "I FEEL NO GUILT", "I FORGIVE MYSELF", it put me on a strong stepping stone to understand and interpret what was taken from me in my youth and how my adult life was affected. I could not have started the healing process without a good therapist and book "Victims No Longer." After years of double sessions in therapy and numerous weekends of recovery with other survivors my wounds & thought process slowly healed. I felt comfort.

However I always have to remind myself to be cautious. I need to surround myself with positive influences because I know my PTSD flares up if I don't take good care of myself.

I consider myself fortunate that I'm able to cry and feel again as well as control most if not all of my feelings and emotions, good ones and not so good ones.

So as long as I can scream "IT WASN'T MY FAULT", "I FEEL NO SHAME", "I FEEL NO GUILT", "I FORGIVE MYSELF", and protect my healing, AND I MEAN PROTECT THE HEALING THAT I WORKED LONG AND HARD FOR, ALL THE TEARS, THE AGONIES, THE PAIN, THE COST, THE FIRES I HAD TO WALK THRU TO HEAL.

Its more than OK for me to be proud of that. This is what I mean by protecting my healing, if a victim/survivor can do that, protect the healing that was worked so hard for, I believe you can live a precious life.

Is living a precious life a sign of a healed person?

That was basically my answer.

----Rich from Long Island